These are some very funny and witty Chinese sayings. Try to listen to them first, and see whether or not you can understand them. If you don’t, read the Chinese sentences. If you still clueless after the reading, then scroll down a bit to find more help.
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谎言与誓言的差别在于：一个是听的人当真了，一个是说的人当真了。
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我这辈子就有两件事不会，1，这也不会。2，那也不会。
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钱不是问题，问题是没钱。
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我曾经跟一个人无数次地擦肩而过，衣服都擦破了，也没擦出火花。
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当你披上了婚纱，我也披上了袈裟。
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说假话总会被人揭穿，戴假发总会被风揭穿。
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人生就像卫生纸，没事尽量少扯。
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不要叫我宅女，请叫我居里夫人。
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人家有的是背景，而我有的只是背影。
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人生是一个茶几，上面放满了杯具。
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无聊的时候就喜欢做的事情就是发呆。
Now, read the pinyin and the English translation, and then think it over. If you still can’t figure out where the funny lies on, then scroll down lower to find other clues.
谎言与誓言的差别在于：一个是听的人当真了，一个是说的人当真了。
huǎngyán yǔ shìyán de chābié zàiyú： yīgè shì tīng de rén dàng zhēn le， yī gè shì shuō de rén dàng zhēn le。
The difference between words of lies and words of oath (or promise) is: one is people hear it and regard it as true; the other is people say it and regard it as true.
我这辈子就有两件事不会，1，这也不会。2，那也不会。
wǒ zhè bèizi jiù yǒu liǎng jiàn shì bù huì，1，zhè yě bù huì。2，nà yě bù huì。
In this life of mine, there are only two things I don’t know how to do: 1, I don’t know how to do this; 2, I don’t know how to do that.
钱不是问题，问题是没钱。
qián bú shì wèntí， wèntí shì méi qián。
Money is not the problem; the problem is having no money.
我曾经跟一个人无数次地擦肩而过，衣服都擦破了，也没擦出火花。
wǒ céngjīng gēn yīgè rén wú shǔ cì dì cā jiān ér guò， yīfú dōu cā pò le，yě méi cā chū huǒhuā。
Once I had countless times brushing past someone while I were passing; even my clothes were scratched and damaged, yet there were no sparks.
当你披上了婚纱，我也披上了袈裟。
dāng nǐ pī shàng le hūnshā，wǒ yě pī shàng le jiā shā。
When you put on the wedding gown, I also put on kasaya robe ( a patchwork outer vestment worn by a Buddhist monk).
说假话总会被人揭穿，戴假发总会被风揭穿。
shuō jiǎhuà zǒnghuì bèi rén jiēchuān， dài jiǎfà zǒnghuì bèi fēng jiēchuān。
Telling lies always will be exposed; wearing wigs always will be exposed by wind.
人生就像卫生纸，没事尽量少扯。
rénshēng jiùxiàng wèishēngzhǐ，méishì jǐnliàng shǎo chě。
Life is like toilet papers; when you have nothing to do, you better pull it less.
不要叫我宅女，请叫我居里夫人。
bùyào jiào wǒ zháinǚ，qǐng jiào wǒ jūlǐ fūrén。
Please don’t call me a stay at home girl, please call me Madame Curie.
人家有的是背景，而我有的只是背影。
rénjiā yǒu de shì bèijǐng，ér wǒ yǒu de zhǐshì bèiyǐng。
Others have their significant background, and I only have view of the back.
人生是一个茶几，上面放满了杯具。
rénshēng shì yīgè chájī， shàngmian fàng mǎn le bēijù。
Life is a teapoy (ornamental tripod with caddies for tea) or coffee table, numerous cups and utensils are placed on top of it.
无聊的时候就喜欢做的事情就是发呆。
wúliáo de shíhòu jiù xǐhuān zuò de shìqíng jiùshì fādāi。
When one got bored, the thing he or she likes to do the most is to be in a trance.
Your final clue:
谎言与誓言的差别在于：一个是听的人当真了，一个是说的人当真了。
This is a witty usage of words or characters.
It is all about the difference of one character. One character changes the meaning totally. In 谎言与誓言, one is 谎 and the other one is 誓. In 一个是听的人当真了，一个是说的人当真了, one is 听, and the other one is 说.
我这辈子就有两件事不会，1，这也不会。2，那也不会。
Here is a contrast. In the first part it say 我这辈子**就**有两件事不会 (only two things the speaker doesn’t know about), and the next part it offers two things as an example
….. but these two things are:
这也不会,那也不会 (don’t know this, don’t know that) is a Chinese saying which is used to chide people about not knowing anything.
For example, when a person is so foolish, and know nothing, you will say to him:
你这也不会那也不会， 真笨。
nǐ zhè yě bù huì nà yě bù huì，zhēn bèn.
You don’t know this, don’t know that; you are really stupid.
钱不是问题，问题是没钱。
This is a funny contrast usage of two parts in one saying.
Usually, when we say 钱不是问题, it means money is not a problem (refers to having enough money). However, the next part comes up with 问题是没钱 (the problem is having no money). so, this is a self conflicting sentence in a humorous way.
我曾经跟一个人无数次地擦肩而过，衣服都擦破了，也没擦出火花。
You need to know what 擦出火花 means in order to know the humor in this saying.
擦出火花 has at least two meanings. Literally it refers to strike two things together to make sparks. The second meaning of 擦出火花 means two people have romantic chemistry.
当你披上了婚纱，我也披上了袈裟。
You need to know 袈裟 is the robe that a monk wears. Normally speaking in China, monks don’t marry, and have to live an emotionally peaceful life in order to pursue the religious transcendence. So, when the only lady you love married to someone else, you lost all the interest in other females in the world, then this is your line; or say it after she planned to walk down the aisle with other man? When she knows your sincerity, you might have some chances?
说假话总会被人揭穿，戴假发总会被风揭穿。
If you ever wore a wig before, you should know what it means. If you don’t, ask some friends of yours that ever wore a wig before then? They might be able to tell you a story, such as ” Wigs gone with the wind”?
人生就像卫生纸，没事尽量少扯。
To understand this witty sentence, you need to know the usage of 扯. It has a few meanings. The original one is using the hand to pull something. If you use this definition then you probably don’t know for sure what 没事尽量少扯 means. If nothing to do, better not pull? Pull what you might ask? Maybe pull open a door? Especially If nothing to do, better not pull the door of a refrigerator? Sound reasonable, if you are trying to loose some weight? But, nah, this is not what it intends to say. We have to know the second definition of 扯 — chatting or gossiping. So, it means, life is like a roll of toilet paper, if you don’t 扯 (pull) toilet paper often, you can have it for a long long time. For life, silence is gold, better not chatting too much, or gossiping around.
不要叫我宅女，请叫我居里夫人。
宅女 means all day stay at home girls or ladies, while 居里夫人 means Madame Curie. You might ask how can Madame Curie have anything to do with all day stay at home females? Does that mean stay at home girls like to do science experiment? Or like to get radiation from using microwaves? Nah. We need to know 居里 can be Curie, but it can also be — live inside, as 居 is a verb means live, and 里 is a preposition means inside. Also 夫人 is a polite way to address females, right?
人家有的是背景，而我有的只是背影。
This comical saying is all about the sharp contrast. Other people have ample 背景background that they can rely on, while the speaker just has shadowy and filmy 背影 to call his or her own.
人生是一个茶几，上面放满了杯具。
It is a sad metaphor and a pun joke. For the tea table or coffee table, it is natural to have tea cups or plates placed upon it. However, in life, there is a phrase called 悲 剧 [bēijù] which means tragedy. [bēijù] is also the pronunciation for 杯具 which means cups and utensils. For people who have pessimistic attitude, this might be a heartfelt saying for them.
无聊的时候就喜欢做的事情就是发呆。
发呆 means a person is doing nothing, and looks he or she is in a trance or daydreams about something. 发呆 is not really a thing to do, but a stage of boredom.
Hope you enjoyed and laughed a bit about today’s mild hilarious Chinese witty, comical, wise sayings. To make it more complete, you might like some English counterpart:
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
duncan – Victoria, BC
I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
Derek – Arizona
There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass’.
Dave H – Hayward CA
I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said ‘No change yet’.
There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn’t control his pupils.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
These English funny pun jokes come from http://www.punoftheday.com
凤姐和小哥一起讲笑话
Leona Lewis – Happy (Lyrics)
